Push

2009-10-16 (Babies for Sale)

It was been a month. There's a bunch I could have said. There's a bunch I wish I would have said. But everytime I'd even think about solidifying any thoughts I'd shut down. It was as if I was staring at a small piece of land that could only be reached by swimming across a big body of water. I don't swim, however. I just look at that small land and know I can make it despite knowing that knowing isn't enough.

I could feel myself pushing myself from both directions. I'd inch a little towards the big salt water with convictions as grounded as a man with a phobia of heights. They get stronger the more I know myself on the other side exhausted from the paddle. I could feel the syncopated beat of my heart in my throat and all I can do as I stand from the shore is breathe. But I am there.

I push myself back as I feel every stroke get heavier and heavier. I'm not even halfway and I'm not sure if I can list my arms anymore. On top of that I add a could of extra struggles because one just isn't worth having. I should be facing trauma of the highest order. So I think about not swallowing water. And I don't want my vision blurred because I want to see the land in front of me at all times. And how are my legs? Am I kicking enough? Maybe I'm kicking too much and that's what's affecting my pace. All of this and a few more thoughts I think of not as a singular act of making it across but as separate issues that distract various body parts from doing what they should in order for these things not to happen. I'm halfway across and it has become a chore. Why did I dive in the first place? I didn't. I take a step back. I am here.

This small pendulum swing continues. I experience success and failure many times over, simultaneously. Sometimes I'm proud of myself. Sometimes I die. The whole time I barely move.

Fuck it. I'm just going to listen to some music.

2009-10-16 (Babies for Sale)


Tracklisting:

5	Wadaiko Matsuriza	oni mo naku	Japanese Drums
6	Kodo	Draijin	Mondo Head
4	Nahini Doumbia & Les Espoirs Du Mali	Danse bambara Korodouga	Percussion And Songs From Mali		*new arrival
2	v/a	Kaluli Groove	Global Drum Project		*new arrival
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1	Kimi Djobate	Kode	Karam		*new arrival
10	Oran Etkin	Damonzon	Kelenia		*new arrival
11	Oumou Sangare	Koroko	Seya		*new arrival
6	Hermas Zopoula	Attention!	Espair		*new arrival
-----------------------------air break-----------------------------
3	Bela Fleck	Ah Ndiya	Throw Down Your Heart		*new arrival
5	Cheb i Sabbah	Haun Vaari Haun Varaney	Devotion		*new arrival
1	Indigo Masala	Baby Cockroach	Big Gods & Little Animals		*new arrival
5	Booka and the Flamingo Geckos	Bhagdad Texas	Bhagdad Texas OST		*new arrival
1	Dietrich	Si T'saros	Evok		*new arrival
-----------------------------air break-----------------------------
1	Mustafa Raza & Rash Behari Datta	Raga Charu-Keshi	Raga Charu-Keshi		*new arrival
2	Religious Knives	Luck	Resin
2	Tycho	Dictaphone's Lament	Sunrise Projector
-----------------------------air break-----------------------------
1	Korea Girl	b-side
1	Fink	Pretty Little Thing	Biscuits For Breakfast
2	Adam Thompson	Zoo	A Billion Miles to Knowhere			*from home
-----------------------------air break-----------------------------
5	v/a	Linda Griffiths - Dod dy law (Put Your Hand)	Blodeugerdd		*new arrival
7	Acquaragia Drom	Foulitchay	Rom Kaffe		*new arrival
-----------------------------air break-----------------------------
1	Kazuki Tomokawa	Blue Water, Red Water	Once I Stared Afar		*new arrival